DIY’ing Grief: How Modern Memorials Help Us Navigate the Death of Loved Ones

Americans really don't want to talk about it: Everyone dies, and everyone will experience the death of a loved one. Grief is a universal human experience – and a very challenging one – with its range of difficult emotions and processes.

Baylor University researcher Candi Cann, Ph.D., has made it her life’s work to study death and dying. In fact, the associate professor of religion in the Baylor Interdisciplinary Core, is known as a “death scholar,” with media outlets ranging from NPR’s Science Friday to the Washington Post seeking her expertise about the impact of remembering (and forgetting) in shaping how lives are recalled, remembered and celebrated.

Cann is the author of “Virtual Afterlives: Grieving the Dead in the Twenty-first Century,” and her research on modern grief has found that some Americans – in a move away from organized religion – have lost the grieving framework that prayer and Christian practices traditionally offered. She calls that framework the “syntax of grief” – the common language once rooted in religious practices – that has evolved over the generations, prompting people to seek more personal ways of expressing grief and memorialization customs.

“This new language of mourning is being defined by the culture, rather than religious ritual,” Cann said. “And these new practices are emerging at the grassroots level in response to a popular need to express grief through more personal expressions in almost a do-it-yourself or DIY approach.”

These DIY or modern remembrances – such as virtual memorials, tattoos and using cremains in creative ways – can help individuals navigate the grieving process.

Virtual memorialization

With contemporary grieving practices shifting from the physical to the online world, Cann said these virtual memorialization spaces, such as social media and memorial websites, are just as real and meaningful as physical spaces and can offer a shared space for more people to share in their grief.

For example, Cann said funeral services have evolved to incorporate digital services such as a virtual memory page or guest book or live-streaming wakes. Social media profiles and websites are created as virtual locations for people to remember and mourn those who have died.

“The internet can democratize grief. It allows people a way to have these conversations about the dead that they may not be able to do on an everyday basis,” Cann said. “You know, you’re at work and you’re grieving, but it’s not really an appropriate conversation. In this way, you can go online and leave a message and find a community of people who are also grieving with you.”

Tattoos

Tattoos have become a popular way for individuals, especially younger people, to carry their grief with them, Cann said. The inked images can function as a badge or emblem for the person, they tell stories, honor meaningful moments and allow people to carry their grief with them in both literal and virtual ways.

"Tattoos allow people to occupy the space as a mourner, while also continuing to carry on with their everyday activities. Many people get tattoos to symbolize their first loss, like their grandparent or pet,” Cann said. “Though the body has disappeared, is remapped onto living flesh to become a symbol of mourning in a world where mourning is denied.”

Use of cremains

A growing trend is incorporating cremains (cremated remains) into various objects like tattoos, jewelry, records or even fireworks. This practice offers a portable and customizable way to keep a connection with the deceased, which is not an option with burials, Cann said.

“Cremation has become much more widely accepted and much more widely practiced because it's cheaper, more economical, but also because of the options of what can be done with cremains in memorial,” Cann said. “Cremains are portable and divisible, so you can share them with other people. Plus, you can carry them in ways that disguise the fact that they are ashes, such as putting cremains in a locket.”

The conversation

These more personal expressions and do-it-yourself solutions to memorialize a death allow people to find places where they can feel and experience their grief more readily and move from the loss into a place of restoration, Cann said.

While death is complete and universal, finding ways to grieve – from the traditional to the contemporary – helps process the loss, but it’s just as vital to have that difficult conversation about preparing for the death of loved ones.

“I encourage everyone to have difficult conversations about death and discuss your wishes with your loved ones about what you want when you die,” Cann said. “Allowing death to be part of regular discussions can help your family and your friends deal with their sorrow when you die because the everyday practical matters of sorting through your estate or figuring out what you would have wanted are not compounding the grief. Talking about death is ultimately and way to show how much you love someone.”

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